haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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