Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
