Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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