The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
