apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize