So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize