im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
