does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
