I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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