On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
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