He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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