Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
