i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
