It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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