When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
