she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
