I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
