wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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