after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
