When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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