Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
