Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
