Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
