hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
