Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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