Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
