then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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