Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just want to make out with him forever
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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