see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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