Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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