Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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