The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
