I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
