Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
