Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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