Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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