You just made me feel so damn special
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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