my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
