I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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