you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
