I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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