wakey wakey hands off snakey
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
