as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Someone signed my nipple.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
