I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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