I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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