Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
