dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
