I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
