he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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