I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Randomize
