I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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