If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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