U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
