Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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