Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
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